The other day, I was in a Clubhouse room discussing the reasons people want to move back to Japan, and the hoops they needed to jump through in order to achieve that.

While we were talking about the bureaucratic rings of fire and the impact of the political events on the easing of the border restrictions, a person from the audience raised his hand and came up on stage. Cutting straight to the point, he said, “We all need to acknowledge the fact that no matter how much we want to live and work there, the Japanese hate foreigners.”

I cringed as memories of my first month in Japan rushed into my head. I recalled how hurt I was when my Japanese husband’s friends organized a welcome-home party for him but didn’t invite me. And then there was the time that my in-laws excluded me from discussions about our attendance at a relative’s wedding because “it was a family matter.”

Under these circumstances, many uninitiated foreigners might be inclined to say, “See, I told you!”

But after twenty years of living and working in Japan, I am now confident that what we Westerners often believe comes from hate is, in fact, a deep-rooted desire to avoid awkward situations that might cause embarrassment to many others down the road.

When foreigners come to Japan, we bring our own biases with us. Some of us may have watched an episode or two of a taiga drama series, others may have read some of the Asian Saga novels by James Clavell, or simply heard friends talk about their experiences of living in Japan. Tradition, exclusivity, conservatism, and love for detail are just a few of the traits that we all associate with Japan and the Japanese people even before we set foot in the country.

Once in Japan, we are all too happy to confirm our biases whenever the chance presents itself.

So yes, when my husband’s friends didn’t invite me to the party and my in-laws discussed a family matter without me, I thought that they hated foreigners. But at that time, my Japanese speaking skills were zero. My knowledge of the local culture and the Japanese people’s love of harmony was yet to be gained.

Still, my hurt feelings told me that I was being isolated on purpose.

Indeed, there was a purpose but it wasn’t the one I imagined.

Since then, I have learned that not all Japanese people would wholeheartedly embrace the idea of socializing or living with foreigners for a number of underlying reasons:

• If you don’t speak the language, you would be bored socializing in a 100% Japanese-language environment.
• If you are a first-timer in Japan, chances are you are not familiar with the local rules and sensitivities of the Japanese. This makes it easier for you to unknowingly step on somebody’s toes. In a culture where appearances in social settings are everything, offending somebody (even unknowingly), may put you in an undesirable situation with long-lasting negative outcomes.
• If you come from a culture where verbal communication is considered the main mode of communication, you are probably not used to reading non-verbal cues and modifying your behavior accordingly.Most Japanese excel at doing this. As a result, conversations are usually seamless, polite, and devoid of negative emotions.

The cultural bias described above inevitably makes you a potential loose cannon that could disturb the “wa” (harmony), particularly in settings where relationships between participants are rather formal. This, in turn, could affect your ability to gain the trust of colleagues or family members you may have offended without even realizing it.

These are just a few of the things that have convinced me that the Japanese are better at practicing empathy than many of us who try to “save” the country from its old ways of preserving the “wa” (harmony).

While it is difficult to overcome our biases, I encourage everybody to try putting yourself in the Japanese people’s shoes. Think about the cultural sensibilities, not just in your own country, but also in your family back home, how you deal with them, and how you feel about other foreigners who live and work there.

We are all biased. Even after all these years, I am still working on some of my own preconceptions. However, thanks to the countless discussions I have had at home, I have left some of these old biases behind and stopped trying to confirm them. If more foreigners in Japan try to do the same, chances are high that the Japanese will be more open towards us and willing to embrace our presence in their country.

Note: This article was first published on Medium under the Japonica Publication.